If want to know everything — and we mean EVERYTHING — about the self obsessed John Mayer, read on!

Omg, it is so obvious why John Mayer can’t keep a girlfriend.  He is too busy thinking about himself 24/7! In an interview with Rolling Stone, John goes on and on about his favorite subject …. himself.

When he’s not talking about drinking scotch, taking Ambien, his “poop jokes,” vintage watches, or masturbating, John whines about trying to find the perfect girl.  ”He wants a girlfriend, a real life-partner girlfriend.  It’s been a long time.  And it’s just not happening,” the RS article conveys.

He says, “Do you think it’s going to take meeting someone who I admire more than I admire myself? But isn’t it also about a beautiful vagina? Aren’t we talking about a matrix of a couple different things here? Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually.  But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas?”

Can you imagine Jennifer Aniston dating this guy?? John, we’re sure most women don’t have any clue what you’re talking about … but we can guess that your musings, like this one, are the reason girls often end up in a hotel room with you, decide to walk out instead of hooking up, but then ask for your autograph before they leave.

Here is the abridged version of John’s very long interview!

• He calls himself an asshole for breaking up with Jen and he still misses her: “I’ve never gotten over it – it was one of the worst times in my life.”
• He wants a girlfriend: “All I want to do now is fuck the girls I have already fucked, because I cannot fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them.”
• He’s obsessed with masturbating: “I am the new generation of masturbator. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life… I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain.”
• He thinks threesomes are awesome: “You know what? It wasn’t swarmy. It was awesome.”

If you REALLY want a girlfriend, like you say you do, try doing something that seems really difficult … listen to them, instead of the sound of your own voice.

For more on John Mayer click here!

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