Kate Controversy! Should She Have Left Her Kids To Get A Fake Tan & Pedicure?

The narcissist does not require, nor does he seek, the love of parents, siblings or even that of his own children. He casts them as the audience in the theater of his inflated grandiosity. He wishes to impress them, shock them, infuse them with awe, inspire them, attract their attention, manipulate them. He employs every means to achieve these effects. He lies, he acts the pitiful, or, its opposite, the resilient and reliable. He stuns and shines with outstanding achievements or behaviors rewarded by the family.

The narcissist is likely to go through a three-phase cycle regarding younger siblings or his own offspring (or even to a new pet!).

The narcissist perceives new family members to be a threat to his Narcissistic Supply. His initial impulse is to belittle them, hurt and humiliate them. Such behaviors would prove to be counter-productive, so he emotionally detaches, becomes emotionally absent, cold and uninterested — and may redirect his anger at his mate or at his parents. During this interim he indulges in his delusions of grandeur and fantasies of future triumphs.

Alternately, some narcissists “take over” the newcomer. They seek to manipulate their parents or their mate by monopolizing their siblings or their newborn children. In this way, they indirectly benefit from the attention directed at the infants — “what an outstanding father/brother he is”. He also assumes part of or all the credit for baby’s/sibling’s achievements. This process of annexation and assimilation is a strategy that the narcissist makes use of in most of his relationships.

As siblings or offspring grow older, the narcissist begins to see them as potential, reliable Sources of Narcissistic Supply. He encourages them to idolize him, to adore him, to learn to blindly trust and obey him, to surrender to his charisma and to become submerged in his delusions of grandeur. (It is at this stage that the risk of child abuse – from emotional incest and up to and including outright incest – is heightened.) As siblings or offspring mature, they often refuse to continue to play the mindless pawns in his chess game. They hold grudges against the narcissist for what he has done to them in the past. They can now better gauge his true stature, talents and achievements.

This brings the narcissist full-circle. Again he perceives his siblings or children as threats. He becomes uninterested, emotionally cold and remote, absent, citing life pressures and the preciousness and scarceness of his time. He wants to abandon his commitments to people who have become totally useless (or even damaging) to him. He either withdraws from the relationship or attacks it directly. To justify his acts to himself, he slowly develops conspiracy theories with clear paranoid undertones.

To his mind, the members of the family conspire against him, seek to belittle or humiliate or subordinate him, do not understand him, or stymie his growth. The narcissist usually finally gets what he wants and the family that he has created disintegrates to his great sorrow (due to the loss of the Narcissistic Space) – but also to his great relief and surprise (how could they have let go someone as unique as he?).

In summary, the narcissist is likely to go through three phases with (younger) siblings or with his own children. This is the cycle: the narcissist feels threatened by arrival of new family members – he tries to assimilate or annex of siblings or offspring – he obtains Narcissistic Supply from them – he overvalues and idealizes these newfound sources – as sources grow older and independent, they adopt anti narcissistic behaviours – the narcissist devalues them – the narcissist feels stifled and trapped – the narcissist becomes paranoid – the narcissist rebels and the family disintegrates.

This cycle is also to be found in other realms of the narcissist’s life — his career, for instance. At work, he initially feels threatened (no one knows him, he is a nobody). Then, he develops a circle of admirers in order to obtain Narcissistic Supply from them. He overvalues them (to him, they are the brightest, the most loyal). But following some anti-narcissistic behaviors on their part (a refusal, a disagreement) the narcissist devalues these individuals. They are judged by him to be stupid, cowardly, lacking in ambition, skills and talents, common. He feels that he is wasting his scarce and invaluable resources on them. He feels trapped. Rebelling in this arena is self-defeating and leads to the disintegration of his life.

Custody and Visitation: A parent diagnosed with full-fledged Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) should be denied custody and be granted only restricted rights of visitation under supervision.

Narcissists accord the same treatment to children and adults. They regard both as sources of narcissistic supply, mere instruments of gratification – idealize them at first and then devalue them in favour of alternative, safer and more subservient, sources. Such treatment is traumatic and can have long-lasting emotional effects.

The narcissist’s inability to acknowledge and abide by the personal boundaries set by others puts the child at heightened risk of abuse – verbal, emotional, physical, and, often, sexual. His possessiveness and panoply of indiscriminate negative emotions – transformations of aggression, such as rage and envy – hinder his ability to act as a “good enough” parent. His propensities for reckless behavior, substance abuse, and sexual deviance endanger the child’s welfare, or even his or her life.

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This woman has courage. Could you dance with the stars? For God’s sake let her relax.

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